notes

User Tools

Site Tools

Trace:
mental_space_is_shame

Differences

This shows you the differences between two versions of the page.

Link to this comparison view

mental_space_is_shame [2026/07/11 00:18] – created neilwinterburnmental_space_is_shame [2026/07/11 00:42] (current) – neilwinterburn
Line 14: Line 14:
 No need to separate mental space from the space I experience in my everyday life,  No need to separate mental space from the space I experience in my everyday life, 
 So both for how I act, but also how I think, I can protect myself better by moving freely and skillfully than I can by trying to armour plate myself. So both for how I act, but also how I think, I can protect myself better by moving freely and skillfully than I can by trying to armour plate myself.
 +
 +Shame lives in and around my spine like a virus, no doubt sprawling down and out to my lymph nodes and surrounding area. I feel where people shaming me as a boy and a teenager for fancying caroline and moving/seeming gay, has taken viral form and gone deep into my body and stayed there. 
 +
 +But, most of the time that's triggered, like an electric charge shocking me from the inside, the triggering  isn't mine. Its other peoples shame, pushed out and projected onto me. More so when it's unspoken, caught and manifest through people acting to protect and defend against my doing whatever it is they're projecting on to me. A lot of the time these two things can strike each other and completely jarr me. When someone says something directly it feels easier to deal with. Indirect unspoken endemic shaming feels more difficult to fend off, more like the wallpaper than the table centrepiece everyone is disagreeing about. It's unspoken gestures, body language, expressions and unspoken agreements not to see or support certain ways of being. This is really hard to represent, it's easy to describe obvious criticisms and judgements, but harder to represent a lack. Maybe as well as aggressive defensiveness, I need to find ways to capture and represent images of care and support a character needed that were absent.
 +
 +I can take a breath and find the gap between these things. It's not a continuous conductive ocean of shame. My shame is in me and can be soothed. Their shaming is a projection of their shame - I dont have to take it in.
 +
 +Im ony just realising how much we project our shame, fear, sadness, meanness, cruelty and anxiety onto each other. 
 +
  
mental_space_is_shame.txt · Last modified: by neilwinterburn