notes

I externalise myself more than I ever realised. The way I perceive, hold myself and speak in social situations, expands my sense of self out into the room. This was the first big observation sharon shared about her experience of me. After the car crash I've had time by myself for the first time in ages. I'm making sense of what that collision means because I wasn't worried about it and it happened anyway. But before it, there's me filling up all this space with anxiety even though most of my day to day experiences are just fine, nothing bad happens.

I talk like I'm reaching out to people, desperate for them to listen to me, to see me, to find me interesting and respect me. Like I'm a diplomatic ambassador from another country, send to learn about the culture and build relationships. This way of talking, I catch myself when I'm doing it, feels like I'm trying to get a close as I can to someone, mirroring their ways so well they don't notice me. Learning their customs, trying to blend in. It's tiring and I can imagine it must feel suffocating to be on the receiving end of. It dosent let people see who I am and how I feel about them. I really want to learn how to allow the space and the difference. I look for the slightest sign of anyone expressing ill feelings or negative emotions towards anyone or anything else, ready to challenge, distract or diffuse. Like I'm sending scouts out to the front looking for signs of enemy offensives. This kind of alertness pushes the edges of my territory right up to other people, so their every move rubs up against my sensitive skin. The pattern of how I move, speak and hold myself in relation to what other people are doing already externalises my thoughts and feelings.